The Birthday Uncle

The Birthday Uncle

     The only time I met Uncle Arthur was when he showed up unannounced to my 7-year-old birthday party. In less than five minutes, I understood why my mom didn’t invite him.

            My party that year was construction themed. I’d gotten several of the smaller Lego sets before, but for my birthday, mom bought me the entire Lego Metropolis collection, and I invited six of my best friends to come over to put it together. Even looking back, I have to admit it was pretty cool. There were five skyscrapers, a hospital, a stadium, and lots of little houses with tiny Lego people. We were starting to build the football field when the car door slammed.

            “Stanley, can you see who that is?” I asked. “I didn’t invite anyone else.”

            Stanley leaned back in his chair and craned his neck to look out the window.

            “Woah, Andrew, it’s a red and white striped car with stars on the hood. It’s painted like an American flag.”

            I’d never heard of a car like that before, so I walked to the window to see for myself, but before I got there, my front door swung open and a man stepped inside.

            “There’s the birthday boy!” he shouted.

            The man was shorter than five feet, but he had a wild beard that stretched to his knees and teeth the color of a rotten banana. He was wearing a hard hat and a reflective vest with a tool belt around his waist. In one hand was a hammer, and in the other he held a wrapped present.

            My mom burst in the room and yelled, “Arthur, what’re you doing here?”

            “Celebrating my favorite nephew’s birthday! The event popped up on my Facebook feed, and when I saw little Andrew was having a construction party, I almost shed a tear. He’s following in his uncle’s footsteps!”

            “Oh no,” muttered my mother, scrolling through her phone. “I didn’t make the event private.”

            My friends just sat in their chairs and stared until Stanley mustered the courage to ask, “Who are you? Some kind of super hero?”

            “That’s right, little boy. I’m Arthur Diddles, Licensed General Contractor, the First of My Name, Cutter of the Great Grass Yards, the Often-Burnt, Fixer of Chains…”

            “Wasn’t your license revoked?” my mother asked.

            “Um, temporarily,” Uncle Arthur sputtered, “but it was reinstated.”

            He reached into his pocket and showed my mother a laminated card.

            “It looks like you made this yourself,” she said. “Did you do some of this in crayon?”

            “What are you? An art critic?”

            Arthur snatched his card back then tossed me the present so hard it nearly knocked me over.

            “Open it!” he said. “I’ve just made your wildest dreams come true.”

            My friends crowded round as I ripped the paper off the package.

            “What… what is it?” I asked.

            “That, young nephew, is the Festool 574761. It has a brushless ec-tec motor and a fully electronic torque setting. It’s compact, lightweight, and perfectly balanced. In my expert opinion, it is the perfect drill.”

            “I think you just used some words I’m not allowed to hear,” said Stanley.

            “Welcome to the construction world, kiddo,” said Arthur, rubbing Stanley’s head with a grease-covered hand. “This is how real men talk. Just keep breathing asbestos and building things and someday you’ll sound like me.”

            “Arthur, let’s talk in the kitchen,” my mom said. “You really shouldn’t be here.”

            “Nonsense,” Uncle Arthur said as he took a seat at the table. “I know my time’s valuable, but I need to teach these boys a thing or two about construction. Now what’re you building here?”

            “It’s the Lego Metropolis set,” I said. “It’s a whole city full of people, houses, roads, and buildings. Mom got it for me for my birthday!”

            “This is a disaster!” Arthur shrieked. “There are all sorts of zoning violations. This building is too tall! It’s a plane crash waiting to happen!”

            He took his hammer and swung at one of the skyscrapers, sending Legos flying across the room.

            “But that was a skyscraper!” Stanley said. “It’s supposed to be tall.”

            “We have to do something to make Lego Metropolis safer,” said Arthur. “You don’t want all the Lego people dying in explosions and car wrecks do you?”

            Arthur set down his hammer and whipped two cannisters from his utility belt.

            “We need to make the tall buildings brighter and add some lanes to these streets!”

            Arthur began to delicately spray bright yellow paint on the tops of buildings while he whispered, “For the safety of all.”

            I watched as a smile crept onto his face and his eyes started to dart back and forth.

            “Are you OK, Uncle Arthur?” I asked.

            He continued to stare at the Lego city and said louder, “For the safety of all. For the safety of all.”

            His hands began to twitch as he sprayed more aggressively.

            “Arthur, you should leave,” my mom said.

            “For the safety of all!” he screamed. He climbed onto the table and began coating entire buildings in bright yellow. His cans went dry and he reached to his belt for two more.

            “Arthur!” my mom yelled. “The neighbor across the street is polluting his back yard in violation of city ordinance number 2019-39b. You have to stop him!”

            Arthur’s head snapped up and he looked at her wild-eyed. He sprang from the table and ran back outside, shouting “For the safety off all! For the safety of all!”

            Mom slammed the door and locked it with the deadbolt.

            “Boys, I’m so sorry. I thought Arthur was still in jail for trying to fix all the new washing machines in Best Buy. He ruined the Lego set, but don’t worry. I’ll go get Andrew a new one first thing tomorrow, and we’ll have you over again next weekend.”

            “No, mom, that’s OK,” I said. “Let’s just go to the movies. I don’t want to build anything ever again.”