The Gnome of  the Rose            

             In the Kingdom of Floss, there was a young peasant named Cecil who tended the private garden of Crown Prince Alexandruff. Cecil lived in a tiny cottage outside the palace walls under the shade of a sturdy oak. Late one afternoon as he was preparing for dinner, a sharp rap came at his door.

            “Gardener! Open at once! This is most urgent!”

            Cecil stopped skinning the squirrel for his stew and hurried to the door. When he opened it, Prince Alexandruff himself was standing at the entrance. The Prince was a mighty four feet tall, and his face was squinched up as if he’d just sniffed a head of rotten lettuce dipped in vinegar.

            “Gardener!” the Prince squeaked. “I need a rose!”

            “Your Grace,” Cecil said with a bow. “I have many fine roses in your garden.”

            “Not those embarrassing weeds,” sneered the Prince. “I’ve just received word that the fair Princess Florantine of Rivera and her father King Umbert will be arriving to see if I am worthy of her hand in marriage. I need a rose to impress her! A giant rose! The greatest rose this land has ever seen!”

            “I…I can try, Your Grace,” Cecil stammered. “When will they be arriving?”

            “Tomorrow! Find your rose by then! And make it at least the size of maple!”

            “But, Your Grace, that’s impossible!” Cecil said. “Roses take much longer than a day to grow, and no rose can ever be that large.”

            “Make it possible,” the Prince growled, “or I’ll have your head on a spike!”

            The Prince spun around and stormed out Cecil’s door, his cape dragging on the ground behind him.

###

            Throughout dinner, Cecil scoured his mind for a way out of this mess. He knew the Prince was a man of his word, especially when it came to putting heads on spikes. He wondered if he could perhaps paint the leaves on a giant tree red, but he doubted that would fool anyone and he didn’t know where he could find that much paint. Every new idea continued to fail him, and, before too long, he realized his only hope was to steal away in the night and escape the Kingdom of Floss forever.

             When he finished eating, he took his shovel and began to dig a hole under the mighty oak next to his cottage. His only prized possession was his mother’s wedding ring, which he’d hidden after her death for safe keeping.  It had been years since he’d last seen it, but he remembered the exact spot where it was buried.

            After only a few digs, he heard a terrible moan.

            “Owwwwwwww, what are you doing?”

            “What? Who said that?” Cecil gasped, looking down at the hole.

            Staring back at him was the tiniest, ugliest face he’d ever seen.

            “You really ruined my sleep,” the creature grunted, crawling out from the dirt and climbing up next to Cecil’s boot. It was only a few inches tall, but it gave Cecil’s foot a sharp kick.

            “What… I mean, who… are you?” asked Cecil.

            “Haven’t you ever seen a gnome before?” the creature asked. “They call me Spontagnomeous. I used to go by Wilbur, but my mother changed it because I always live in the moment!”

            Spontagnomeous took off his shirt and began scratching his back against the tree.

            “I…I’m sorry,” Cecil stammered. “I wasn’t trying to wake you. I was just looking for mother’s old wedding ring. I buried years ago.”

            “Well, why’d you decide to dig it up now and ruin a perfectly good nap?”

            “I would have left it buried until I found a wife, but the Crown Prince is going to kill me tomorrow, so I need to escape tonight.”

            “I know where your ring is,” Spontagnomeous said. “When you stuck it underground, you plopped it in the middle of my dining room. But who are you? Some kind of criminal?”

            “No!” said Cecil. “The Prince of Floss wants to impress the Princess Florantine tomorrow with a rose the size a tree, and if I don’t give him one, he’s going to put my head on a spike!”

            “Royals,” muttered Spontagnomeous. “Never could stand them. I’ll tell you what. I’ve been napping for far too long, ever since that darned ring came into my life. I’ll give it back to you, but only if you let me hide under your hat for the next day, so I can see the world. I haven’t gone on a proper walk-about in ages. As a bonus, I’ll give you a vial of magic water I have laying around that’ll solve your rose problem in a jiffy.”

            “What do you mean?” asked Cecil.

            “Are you that dense?” asked Spontagnomeous. “Let me ride on your head under your hat for the next day, and I’ll give you magic water that’ll help you grow a rose to the size of a tree overnight.”

            “You have something like that?”

            “Hold on,” said Spontagnomeous. “I’m feeling like a workout.”

He dropped to the ground and started doing push-ups until he was winded.

            “You have something like that?” Cecil repeated.

            “What?” Spontagnomeous asked.

            “The water?”

            “The water? Oh, yes!” he squealed. “Yes, I do.”

            The gnome scampered back into the hole for a few minutes before crawling out with a glass vial filled with liquid. It was clamped shut with a cork that had a small piece of parchment strung through the middle.

            “Here you are,” said Spontagnomeous proudly. “Let’s go sprinkle this on the roses. But first… do we have a deal?”

            Cecil didn’t know if he trusted this strange creature from the underworld, but he wanted his mother’s wedding ring more than anything. He also wondered if he could present the creature to the princess instead of a rose if push came to shove – gnomes these days were almost as rare as giant roses.

            “Deal,” said Cecil, offering his pinky to the tiny creature.

            Spongtagnomeous shook Cecil’s finger emphatically before scampering up his arm, crawling up his head, and slipping under his hat.

###

            “Hurry up,” said Spontagnomeous. “I’m already getting drowsy again.”

            “We’re here,” hissed Cecil, the Prince’s garden laying before them in the moonlight.

            “Great,” said Spontagnomeous. “Take out the vial and pour it on the first rose you see.”

            Cecil removed the vial and noticed the parchment on it. He squinted his eyes and read closely.

            “Wait,” he said. “These are instructions. It says only to allow one drop per flower. It could be dangerous to add more.”

            “Rules schmules,” said Spontagnomeous. “Pour all of it. Do you want a rose the size of a house or don’t you?”

            Cecil shrugged and dumped out the vial.

            “Are we done here?” asked Spontagnomeous. “I’m ready for bed.”

            “You’re sure this is going to work?” asked Cecil.

            “Not at all, but let’s at least get a good night’s sleep before you die.”

###

            Early the next morning, Cecil woke up to a pounding on his door. He groaned and rolled out of bed, then gasped as he remembered everything that happened the day before. He glanced back at his bed and saw Spontagnomeous was still sleeping soundly.

            “Gardener, open this instant!” a voice beyond the door squeaked.

            Cecil swung wide the door and, once again, Prince Alexandruff was grimacing on his porch.

            “This is a disaster!” the Prince roared. “What have you done?”

            “I… I don’t know,” stammered Cecil. “Did… did the rose grow? Is it satisfactory?”

            “No!” shrieked the Prince. “Well, yes! It grew! But, no! It’s not satisfactory!”

            “Why… why not?”

            “It’s huge! Too big!” shouted the Prince. “My very best knights are doing their best to fend it off, but it’s attacking my castle as we speak. And, to make matters worse, it kidnapped Princess Florantine the moment she arrived!”

            “What?!” shouted Cecil.

            “That’s right,” sneered Prince Alexandruff. “And you caused all this trouble, so you’re going to fix it.”

            “But… but how would I stop a giant rose if your best knights can’t?”

            “Figure it out!” shouted Alexandruff. “I’ll see you at the castle.”

            Cecil sat on his stool and put his head in his hands.

            “Don’t worry,” Spontagnomeous yawned, finally wakening from his nap. “Sounds pretty dangerous, but we’ll just figure it out as we go along.”

###

            As soon as Cecil and Spontagnomeous arrived at the garden, they watched the giant rose toss a knight on horseback at least a hundred yards.

            “Impressive,” said Spontagnomeous from under Cecil’s hat.

            The rose was least ten times as tall as the castle. Cecil saw a frightened young woman cowering at the base of the stem who he knew could only be Princess Florantine. Another knight rode bravely toward the princess, and he was immediately and unceremoniously hurled into the moat by an enormous rose leaf.

            “You call this a cavalry?” shouted a bearded man, who Cecil thought must be King Umbert. “Save my daughter at once!”

            “You!” shrieked Alexandruff pointing at Cecil. “You! Fix this or else!”

            A cluster of mounted knights pointed their lances toward Cecil and inched forward menacingly.

            “What do we do?” whispered Cecil to Spontagnomeous, as he slowly trod toward the rose. “How do we save Princess Florantine?”

            “No idea,” said the gnome. “I could really go for a good conversation. It’s been ages since I’ve heard anything interesting. Let’s try talking to it.”

            “Talking to it?” Cecil asked. “Roses don’t talk.”

            “Have you ever tried? They might,” said Spontagnomeous. “Especially ones nourished with magic water. Given how angry this one seems, it may be a good idea to start with an apology.”

            “An apology?”

            “Just do it. I’m feeling it right now. Live in the moment.”

            “H…hello, Mr. Rose, sir,” stammered Cecil. “Sorry to bother you, but I noticed you seem to be angry.”
            The rose quit thrashing around and stood upright.

            “ANGRY,” the rose roared. “OF COURSE, I’M ANGRY.”

            “Ask it why,” hissed Spontagnomeous.

            “Why?” asked Cecil.

            “I SPEND MY WHOLE LIFE SITTING OUT A PILE OF DIRT, GETTING WATER POURED ON ME BY HUMANS, ONLY TO HAVE MY STEM CLIPPED ONCE I’M FULLY GROWN! TALK ABOUT A RAW DEAL!”

            “I’m sorry!” said Cecil.

            “NOT AS SORRY AS YOU’RE GOING TO BE!” shouted the rose.

            “Spontagnomeous, what do I say now?” asked Cecil.

            “Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention,” said the gnome. “Try not to say anything stupid. How about a drink? I haven’t had a good drink in a while.”

            “Rose, may I offer you a drink of wine?” asked Cecil

            “THAT’D BE A UPGRADE FROM FILTHY WATER!” shouted the rose.

            “Spontagnomeous, how do I give the rose a drink?”

            “Ask the Prince,” yawned Spontagnomeous. “I’m sure he has plenty of wine to spare. Get me some while you’re at it.”

            “Prince Alexandrus!” shouted Cecil. “Could you bring us some wine.”

            The Prince waved his hand and within minutes his knights marched out barrels of wine from his cellar.

            “Here you are, rose,” said Cecil, opening one of the barrels and pouring it into the ground at the base of its stem, careful not to spill any on Princess Florantine. “Drink to your heart’s…err, roots…content.”

            “THAT’S MORE LIKE IT,” the flower sighed. “I’M FINALLY GETTING TREATED WITH A LITTLE RESPECT. MY LIFE HAS BEEN ONE MISFORTUNE AFTER ANOTHER. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A FLOWER. WHEN I WAS JUST A SEEDLING…”

            Cecil took a seat next to Princess Florantine as the rose went on and on about all its hardships.

            “Keep the wine flowing,” whispered Spontagnomeous. “He’s got a lot to get off his petals.”

            As Cecil fed barrel after barrel to the rose, its words began to slur and, before long, its stem drooped and the flower crashed to the ground.

            “Wouldn’t be a bad idea to get the princess out of here and make a new life for yourself,” said Spontagnomeous. “And might want to do that before the rose wakes back up.”

            Cecil offered Princess Florantine his hand, and the two of them scampered away from the sleeping flower where Prince Alexandruff and King Umbert awaited.

            “Very good, gardener,” chortled the Prince. “Princess, may I escort you back inside the castle, and, perhaps, offer my hand in marriage?”

            “Out of the question! I’d never let a coward like you marry my daughter!” shouted King Umbert. “We’ve seen enough here. We are returning to our castle in Rivera at once!”

            “But…but what about her marriage?” squealed the Prince. “She requires a royal suitor!”

            “And that won’t be you, you pimpsqueak.” muttered King Umbert. “You almost got her killed in this crazy kingdom of yours.”

            “You!” shouted the Prince, pointing a finger at Cecil. “You are responsible for this. Guards! Put his head on a spike!”

            “ABSOLUTELY NOT!” thundered Umbert. “The gardener saved my daughter’s life. He’ll be returning to Rivera with us where he’ll serve as my royal gardener.”

            “I will not allow it!” the Prince shrieked.

            King Umbert lifted his hand in a fist, and the Prince dropped quivering to the ground.

            “Fine, fine,” the Prince stammered. “Just get out of here. But what do I do about this rose when it wakes up?”

            “No idea,” said King Umbert. “I’m sure you with all your princely wisdom will come up with something.”

            With that, Umbert, Florantine, and Cecil – with Spontagnomeous under his hat – marched out of the garden.

###

            “Not too bad of an outcome,” whispered Spontagnomeous to Cecil as he mounted one of King Umbert’s royal steeds outside the castle gate. “Could’ve done worse. That princess is pretty cute too.”

            “She’s a princess, and I’m a gardener,” Cecil whispered back. “She won’t want anything to do with me.”

            “You never know,” said Spontagnomeous. “It’s a long ride back to Rivera, and that’ll give you plenty of time to charm her. Play your cards right and by the end of the trip you may even be needing this.”

            Spontagnomeous scampered down Cecil’s arm and placed the wedding ring in his palm.

            “Thanks, Spontagnomeous,” smiled Cecil. “Will you be coming with us to Rivera?”

            “No idea,” said the gnome. “It’s a long journey. I don’t even know where I’ll be five minutes from now.”

            Soon Cecil was riding with the king and the princess toward his new home in Rivera. The gnome was snoring under his hat but woke suddenly when he heard a shout.

            “YOU TRICKED ME! YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME BECAUSE I’M A LOWLY FLOWER. WELL, NOW I’M HUNGOVER AND TWICE AS ANGRY! I WON’T REST UNTIL THIS CASTLE IS IN RUINS!”

            “Glad we got out of there,” muttered Spontagnomeous.

            “Me too,” said Cecil. “I could learn a thing or two from you about living in the moment, but next time we try to grow magic flowers, let’s pay attention to the instructions.”